Being an adult is already difficult. When you throw in autism, ADHD, depression, and balancing a healthy relationship; It becomes almost unbearable! I entered my first real relationship when I was about 21 years old. I didn't tell her about my autism until about 2 years in. I was afraid that she wouldn't understand. Although it was new and unfamiliar, I was excited because there was someone else there to love me and accept me as is.
Eventually, we moved in together. That's when things turned for the worse. I wish there had been a warning sign for her beforehand on just what she was signing up for. While we were together, I was able to learn so much about myself and about autism. Some of the key issues are listed below.
"Can you just pay attention to me" -
Most times, I just didn't want to do anything. I didn't want to talk. I didn't want to cuddle, I didn't want her around to be honest. It had nothing to do with her, but I just wanted to be alone. I have a huge fasciation with trains and I have a simulation game on my computer. There were times where I would play that game for hours on end. She would get upset and make comments such as "Is your shift almost over" or "How long before you're off work". She didn't understand that removing myself from the world around me and putting myself in this game, helped me reset all of the anxiety I had felt throughout the day.
"Oh just try it, you'll like it" -
The biggest thing she had to adjust to was my diet. Since childhood, I've only eaten the same items. My diet basically consists of burgers, pizza, chicken, and macaroni and cheese. I don't eat foods that have seeds or bones, I don't eat foods that have odd smells, I don't eat anything new. The hardest thing is trying to convince people that it's more complicated than "Try this, you'll like it". It took time to adjust but we both had to make comprises. She agreed to cook the foods I liked but only if she could incorporate new foods into my diet. It started with boneless baked chicken and macaroni and cheese. Eventually, she would add in broccoli, rice, corn, etc. Eventually she put a big spin on things and made parmesan chicken. It took some getting used to but at the end of the day, I tried more new foods in my 24th year than my entire life. Another downfall with my diet is because of it being so poor, I suffer from a lot of digestive issues like most individuals with autism.
"I'm not mad at you, I just had a bad day" -
We both made fatal relationship mistakes when it came to our attitudes. Whenever I would have a bad day, I would shut down and not want to deal with anyone, I just wanted to sleep (which I could do for an extended amount of hours). So if I had a bad day at work, I would take it out on her. Which in turn she would get defensive and upset. Because I didn't realize how I was coming off, I would shut down because I felt as if she was mad at me. So the bad day plus her being upset led to a complete shut down of my communication. She was very outspoken and she very rarely didn't speak what was on her mind. So whenever she had an issue, she would verbalize it. Often, her facial expressions weren't pleasant so I would become anxious because I felt that she was upset or unhappy because of me which mad me feel that I didn't make her happy with made me very sad.
"Just stay on the phone with me" -
Another common problem is adjusting to social settings. Something as simple as walking into a grocery store is an obstacle. One of the things she had to adjust to was just for me to call her and stay on the phone while in the store. Stores are full of strange people and my mind is always telling me I'm the center of attention even though I'm not. She would allow me to call her and just blabber about anything that came through my mind, she didn't even have to reply sometimes, just listen. Being on the phone with someone who I knew understood what was happening took my mind off of where I was and the people around me and I focused on knowing she was on the other end of the phone. It's small, but her understanding that issue, made a world of difference.
"Falling Fast" -
One thing I've never understood about myself is the fact that I fall in love extremely quick. I've never understood why. To date, I've told every girl I've ever been involved with that I've fallen in love with them. I researched romance and how it relates to autism and I've found that persons on the spectrum have a difficult time understanding love. If this is relevant to me, it makes me feel so much better about myself because I've always felt as if I love but I don't receive it back in return. But it leads to more worries as well. If I don't fully understand what love is how do I know how to love or what love really is and if someone really loves me.
I'm still learning how to love in my opinion. Everyday, I'm presented with something new, something interesting. Being autistic has given me the chance to see life through a different perspective than most. I hope my next blog post will explain how amazing it is to be autistic and married!